A post dedicated to fighting the staggeringly tragic war against pants.

Our Biggest Everyday Threat - People from the Future

You see them all over the place, all the time, every day. You probably don't realize it, but you are surrounded by people from the future. It's likely that they want to do something horrible to you, like probe you, or take away your 10 hole punches = a free coffee card. Don't let them do either of these things.

[edit] How can you tell if a person is a Person from the Future?

Here are a few indicators that a person is from the Future. We have also outlined the spectrum of Futurosity for each indicator.

Does your subject wear a vest?

Does your subject operate (or know how to operate) complex futuristic machinery (like a microwave or crosswalk button)?

Does your subject drive a hybrid (whatever that is)?

What if I encounter a Person From the Future?

If you encounter a Person from the Future, be very cautious -- they are extremely dangerous. Also, do not try to apprehend or impersonate a Person from the Future without the proper gloves. We know very little at this time, but our rudimentary studies show that a Crosswalk Button (shown earlier) in some cases can be connected to a laser that shoots laser beams down toward the sidewalk where a person pushing the button might be standing (as depicted in this simulated image). We are still unclear what that laser does, but do you really want to find out?

How can you help us?

Have a microwave sale
Have a microwave sale

Lastly, if you are courageous and would like to help us in our efforts to study People from the Future, please follow these somewhat vague, complex instructions.

  1. Buy a bunch of microwaves wholesale (contact us for distributors in your area)
  2. Purchase a storefront in a major city
  3. Stock shelves full of microwaves and nothing else
  4. Advertise your Grand Opening in your local paper
  5. Wait for People from the Future to browse your selection of microwaves
  6. Close and lock doors to your store
  7. Call us immediately

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This page was last modified 05:17, 21 January 2009.
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