I'm Convinced - No Pants Is the Way Forward
First of all, we'd like to offer you this very personalized congratulations for joining the revolution. Congratulations, you. When you entered the room, our lovely assistants should have given you a handout entitled, “My Life Has Been a Complete and Utter Disaster Until This Exact Moment” as well as “The Night I Wore Pants: One Man's Horror Story”. So grab a seat and pull out your notebook, it's time to learn you some knowledges. If you're reading this from some kind of hand-held device, you're probably are in the bathroom and want to flush now to avoid forgetting later due to the shock you're in for. Go ahead and flush. We'll wait.
Now, regardless of whether or not you're in the bathroom – tell us what you think of the following words (study each one carefully):
- Carpenter's style (what a lie – carpenters are badass and would never wear pants)
- Stone-washed (sorry for the outburst on that last one)
- Medium-rise, high ankle, crooked waist, tall-heeled boot cut
- Button fly
- Velcro fly
- Button/Velcro hybrid fly
If hearing these words makes you cringe and want to throw kittens, like it does us, then you are in the right place. Lucky for you, this web site was created by a coalition of people who want to put an end to this madness. Most of the authors of this site are scientists who studied Antipantsology under some of the greatest minds in the field. They were elected by this coalition to spread information and to dispel rumors about pants that simply aren't true. Here are some basic facts from Antipantsology that you should learn instantaneously:
- Fupa's First Law of Pantslessness: Pants make you less sexy
- Fupa's Second Law of Pantslessness: Even if you don't care about looking sexy, they make you less attractive as a whole
- Rose's Law of Restrictiveness: Pants are restrictive and uncomfortably warm (not in a good way)
- Glasscock's Postulate: The Unibomber wore pants, and you don't want to end up like him, do you?
For more information, see the article on Antipantsology 101. Let's talk about why you came here in the first place. It's time to get rid of those pants.
Basic Technique #1: Cutting them off with a sharp object:
A technique originally created by natives of the island of Fiji and later perfected by the Germans, this is the most common and highly recommended technique. It's been said that the Germans took the extra fabric from the pant legs and used them to create the ever fashionable and always sexy Lederhosen. Anyways, first you'll need a common househould object that's sharp, like scissors or a broken plate. There's probably some glass shards still under the couch from back when you threw your last No Pants Party. Man, was your landlord pissed. Now, starting at the knee, use your glass and/or scissors and start making criss-cross cuts all along the front of the pants. This will help to weaken and demoralize your pants. Next, turn on some serious pump-up music, like the kind from a strip club (Jay-Z, AC/DC, etc.) and head over to your stripper pole. While one hand on the pole, spin and use your "free" hand to grab the pants by the waist and pull as hard as you can. The pants should rip off along those pre-cut holes you've made, Hulk Hogan style, leaving you with plenty of freedom to attack that strippers pole. Enjoy!
Basic Technique #2: Burning them off:
This technique was popular in the 1960's. Hippies were in the midst of smoking a ton of what the State of California now calls "medicine", eating as much acid as possible and burning their bras. True story, you can Google it if you want. There is no gasoline or flammable fluid required in this execution but there is a need of some form of fire. You will need two sticks for rubbing, a grapefruit AND a 6 month old Dalmatian, or 3 to 7 flint rocks. You should also make sure that a fireman or fire chief is present, mostly because they usually have dalmations and grapefruits in tow. Once you have secured a flame, start at the leg and place the flame around the cuff. Let the flame grow up the leg into your knee area but hey, watch out and make sure not to let it get to the crotchal region. You smell that? That's the scent of freedom, my friend!
Basic Technique #3: Suffocating them off with a trash bag:
You are going to need to sit down to perform this operation, as well as 5-10 attractive people of the gender that you're attracted to. Once you have situated yourself in the center of all of the beautiful women - er, people - grab the trash bag with both hands and press down on your crotchal region only. The pants will put up a fight, but if you apply enough pressure, you're sure to win. And don't worry about being all red in the face and feeling a little bit like an assclown. After you get these pants off, you're going to be about 407 times sexier and everybody around is going to want to start making out with you and probably making out with each other, too. That'd be pretty awesome, right...if everyone made out? Isn't that what you want? Yeah it is.
Soon we'll be introducing some advanced techniques, but we'll wait until you've mastered these ones first. Don't forget to check out a book on Antipantsology from the local library or book swap, and do some light bedtime reading. Or, of course, read about it here.