A post dedicated to fighting the staggeringly tragic war against pants.

HOW-TO: How to Tell If You're Wearing Pants Right Now

Ok, first of all, calm down. We're here to help. I know there are a number of you reading this right now who are not sure if you are wearing pants or not. That's where we come in. As certified anti-pantsologists, we are well schooled in the study of pants. It may come as a surprise to you that such avid haters of pants would be so learned in the ways of our enemy, but isn't that the first rule of Choo Mein's The Big Book of War? Knowford wherest thine enemy dines?

We are offering here a guide to tell if you are wearing pants right now. So, take a deep breath and read on.

Below is a quick-check guide to tell what your pants situation is. Look down at your feet and try to decide which picture best matches what you see:

Bad
Bad
Acceptable
Acceptable
Better
Better
Worse
Worse

If you are still unsure, use the following checklist to determine whether or not you are wearing pants:

  1. You can't see your knees.
  2. Your netherlands or netherregions (known scientifically as the "linus") feel trapped, unwanted and unloved.
  3. You are German.
  4. You are trying to dance but having a hard time producing the rhythmic awesomeness needed to wow the crowd.
  5. Somebody just threw a pie on you.
  6. Mothers are pulling their childrens to the other side of the street when you walk by.
  7. You hate kittens.
  8. You are not thinking about doing it with a hot chick and/or dude. Hey, man, this is a progressive site. Sometimes dudes like other dudes, and as long as they're not wearing pants, that's cool.
  9. You can't see the scorpion that is crawling up your leg right now and will probably sting your linus.
  10. You are sober.

Ok, if any one of these items applies to you RIGHT NOW, you are in all likelihood wearing pants. Again, don't panic. Panicking only leads to the purchase of other pants. What you need to do now is go to the section of the site that explains how to take off your pants quickly and efficiently.

Godspeed.

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This page was last modified 13:46, 9 March 2007.
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