A post dedicated to fighting the staggeringly tragic war against pants.

HOW-TO: How to Start a Dance Party Without Wearing Pants

Starting a dance party with no pants on is a walk down Easy Street. Here are, uh, 10 steps to write down and carry around with you on an index card.

Step 1: Turn off any and all music and put away your miming gloves

Someone once told me that starting a dance party requires two things: good music and a fog machine. I simply laughed and slapped him across the face with my miming gloves…seriously, where the hell was I going to put ANOTHER fog machine. Assface.

Step 2: Find a decent dance partner and stay as far away from them as you can

The last thing you need when starting a dance party is someone grinding up on you, sweating all over you, having a grand old time and stealing your wallet. This is your party damnit, you're going to need your space to stay focused. Don't worry about the wallet, grandma will get you a new one for Xmas.

Step 3: Find someone who can break a $20 and trade your miming gloves for their bag of apples

Yeah yeah yeah, they probably told you they "only have twenties because they just went to the ATM" right? An obvious lie, aimed at the unknowing amateur. Everyone who's even remotely interested in the pants-less dance party ALWAYS keeps a roll of $1's and $5's in their left sock. I mean, it IS a dance party.

Step 4: Make sure to announce your different moves to the group of kindergarten teachers watching you

Right about now you should be starting to find your zone. Now's the time to start sprinkling the routine moves that everybody knows with selections from your patent-pending dance catalogue – like the "Flying Wheel of Cheese" or the "Happy Cyclops". Clearly you are here for one thing and one thing only, the pants-less dance party. People don't quite know what to think because there isn't any music playing but don't worry, they are totally impressed. Seriously. Your sexiness is matched only by your attitude. Look at that girl over there, the red head with the bow in her hair. No, not the one wearing the sweater, the one behind the geranium. She loved when you slid across the floor on your knees and you quietly yet heroically peeled the skin off of your knees.

Step 5: Put the dog food back in the pantry and show them your motionless dance moves

Self-explanatory

Step 6: When they unlock the door and let you back into the apartment, pull the fire alarm, let everyone leave, then show them what you're workin with

The last thing you need at your dance party is some assbag doing the "Running Man" or the "Shopping Cart". We've all seen it buddy, and at one point it was funny. Well at this point, good old Mr. Fire Alarm should have people streaming into the streets. Look at you, you have more than enough room to do the "Bionic Dolphin," right down the front steps into the street, following it with the "Go back to sleep, you are much more amusing to me when you are sleeping."

Step 7: When in doubt, don't stop using an English accent

At this point you should have a good lather going. Trust me, you are going to need it. Now that you're outside, start passing out those $1 to everyone. This should ease their tempers after you've forced them all outside. Everyone loves money, and there are very few who don't love a dance party with no pants. Those people are called "never-nudes" or "yachtsmen", but these are scientific terms that you shouldn't worry yourself with right now. You should be worrying about your dancing, because now the floodgates have opened and it's time for...

Step 9: Nothing says "I love you" like a nice, warm, credit card commercial

You are going through the checklist of moves in your head. You've gotten them outside, and oops, somewhere during your "Bionic Dolphin" you "forgot" your pants. It's time to add a little dash of surprise to this Party Soup that you're preparing for the masses. It's a good thing you took that guy's advice and bought the second fog machine. Bring that outside and crank it up to Level 10 or 36 (depending if your fog machine is metric or not).

Step 10: Don't forget to get your oil changed every 5000 miles

Right now, life looks like a rap video. Not the kind where everyone is standing around in fancy clothes, waving their arms in the air and yelling at the camera. No sir. You are living the life of legends. Sort of like the Baha Men crossed with Rex N' Effect, with just a hint of Kid N Play. Everyone's dancing and they all love the man without the pants. You're on top of the world right now, but when you wake up in your neighbor's garden the next morning, don't freak out. There's a fifty-fifty chance that you passed out while doing "Laser Tag Timmy". When you realize that you just had the time of your life, make sure to thank me later, or maybe on Tuesday.

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This page was last modified 01:49, 6 February 2007.
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